2006-11-06T20:00:00.000-08:00

My lola died last Sunday. Ambilis ng mga pangyayari, the family really expected this to happen so fast. She was supposed to go home to daet first, spend christmas with us, be with us. Ang sakit sa loob na I wasn't there with her during the last moments of her life. Noong na andoon sina mama nung Sunday sa Kidney Institute, nasa ever ako para tumugtog. Dumating pa tlga sa text ung balita, nung sabi ni pa na ipagpray ko si lola, di ko alam na inaatake na pala sha. I chose to continue playing after saying a short prayer for her. I could have chosen to leave at that moment and go to the hospital. I didn't. Hindi ko na siya naabutan, after an hour nang pumunta na ako sa ospital, ni mga labi niya di ko na nakita. Wala ako doon noong nirerevive sha ng 30mins, I could have reached it, but I didn't.
My lola died last Sunday and I know this is my time to serve her. Instead of this being my mindset, I found myself thinking of my dilema of my now ruined time table. Imbis na isipin ko yung nangyari kay lola, mas naapekto pa ako ng takot ko na magagalit ulit si cess. Bat ganito yung nangyayari, gnito na ba ako kamanhid sa pamilya ko? Kagabi nagaway nnaman kami ni cess. Im sad that instead of comforting me and making me feel na it really is ok for me to spend this time for my family, she cared more about proving the point that this is not the reason for our ruined plans, na kasalanan ko kasi ngpetiks lang ako dati na hindi ko plinano dati pa. Nagulat tlga ako sa mga sinabi niya kagabi. Alam kong importante to sa kanya, alam kong nasira na ung plano niya dahil sakit, pero di ba niya inisip na hindi pa tlga eto ung oras para sabihin ang mga to. Imbis na malungkot ako sa pagkamatay ni Lola, para bang napilitang akong malungkot dahil galit nanaman siya sakin. I TOLD YOU SO..? tangina, ang sakit noon, parang tinapaktapakan mo na ung pagkatao ko.. putangina wala na lola ko at ikaw parin pinoproblema ko ngaun. Sino ba namang di magagalit sa situation na to? sa tingin mo? Eto lang hinihingi ko: na intindihin naman sana ng girlfriend ko na may pinagdadaanan ako ngaun. Kung kasalanan ko man o hindi, sana maging sensitive siya na di muna dapat niya pinipilit to sakin ngayon. Ambastos nman noon sa lola ko. Here's a what if: Pano kung hindi namatay si lola (which is what I'm wish so much right now), at natuloy yung plano. Will you still be mad? sasabihin mo pa ba ung mga yun. Alam kong mapride ako, pero iba na siguro mgpumilit huming ng apology lalo na ngaung nasa burol ako ng lola ko. Oo, malakas na loob ko, di na ako takot sayo. Im not letting you push me around anymore. mahal ko lola ko, perhaps more than I love you right now. Im not sorry, not today cess. not today. Dont even try blabbering about this being what I wanted. I dont want this, ayokong mamatay lola ko, tangina, ayokong ipagpalit sha ng ganito, ayokong makita kang ganyan na para bang walang pakialam. ayoko nman tlgang masira sembreak mo e. wag mo nman sanang sirain what is left sa memory ng lola ko.
My lola died last Sunday, what im looking for is a shoulder to cry on, not a firing squad. last night noong di na ako ngreply sayo nagdasal kami noon. dinasalan namin ung malamig na katawan ng lola ko.. wala na siya ngayon. wala na si lola :,( umiiyak ako ngaun kasi ang rami kong beses sha pinagpalit para sayo. lalo na nung may sakit sha, dumalaw lng ako sa kanya nung nasa capitol ka. hindi mo nman kasalanan yun e.. its just hurting me right now kasi namulat ako at nakita kong ganito na ako ngaun. wala na nga lola ko tas ikaw pa tong pinoproblema ko. ayoko nang maging ganito, I need to put my life into perspective. there's a bigger picture than our relationship, i've become cold to my family and I know na hindi nman tlga ako ganun. It took the death of my lola for me to realize this. ang layo ko na sa pamilya ko. this is my time with them. I'm just sorry na tumapat pa sha sa plano natin. cess di ko to gusto, natatakot lang ako na baka maging too late na at di na ako ever maging close sa kanila. all I'm asking from you is to respect me. pwede ba next week mo nalang ako pagsabihan, next week na tayo magaway. hindi eto ang kailangan ko ngaun, just be sensitive about that. may buhay ako, and sa mga panahong to, I couldn't tend to all of your needs and demands. all I can offer you is compromise. gusto ko talagang may mangyari sa sembreak, pero please work with me with my situation, intindihin mo na muna ako at wag munang dikdikin sa mukha ko na kasalanan ko and stuff. next time nlng please. Im free tom, thurs or friday. wag lng more than one day. bka pwede pa mgpushthrough ung plan ng buo, depends lang kung kailan ka libre. and I would really appreciate it na instead of the comedy bar plan, samahan mo nalang ako dumalaw kay lola. that would make MY perfect day. please consider this offer.
My lola died last Sunday and Im treating this week as my early start of school, I spend my days arranging visuals and materials for my lola's wake. siguro sign nga to na I should get my butt working.
Lola, kung nasaan ka man ngayon. Thankyou sa lahat ng mga panahon na pinagsamahan natin. You've touched my life since bata pa ako. Yung mga di ko natutunan kina mama, nakuha ko dahil sa paglalambing niyo sa akin. You've always understood me, sometimes even more than my own parents, thankyou for making me who I am today. And thankyou for touching my life until today. I want everything to be perfect for you. Pagmagkita tayo ulit, lilibre ulit kitang Kenny Rogers. Mahal kita lola. :,(

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2006-11-01T01:32:00.000-08:00

when i was about 7, i used to find fun and enjoyment in reading my sister's secret diary. when she's out, i spend my boring afternoons reading about her adventures in school and about her hunky spanish telenovela crushes inside the pages of her treasured manuscript. in the times i get caught, she usually beats me up like a raging gorilla, screaming her sentiments so that my mom would punish me big time. those were the days.. those were the days that i haven't really realized the importance of privacy and having your own personal space.
until now, blogging hasnt worked out for me. i guess this is because i'm the type of person who keeps his sentiments to himself. I'm the type of person who is afraid of being judged and being struck down wrong. i guess this feeling comes naturally to me because, i myself am guilty of being one who laughs and examines any flaws in what someone says or does. i guess i fell victim to my own bad habit. this is the reason why i am afraid of blogging, i feel that if a person knows me too well, they might get an upperhand and be able to manipulate me the way they want. owell, I guess this all boils down to this being my stress release and this not being discovered by others.
today is our 19th month together. ang tagal na pala namin :) im happy that up until now, cess and i are able to get pass the hurdles we face in our relationship. medyo maramirami na nga to actually, but at the end of the day, our love for each other always prevails :) naks! i feel sad that i havent made this day special for her; make her feel that i am really elated, happy, euphoric, jubilant, delighted, ecstatic, blissful.. of what we have and share.. im afraid na mging permanent ung feeling na un samin :( cess, sana this message will make you feel happy kahit papano.. i love you cesa :X happy 19 months! mwah! :*

plain and simple -- nothing fancy

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